Scout camp teaches you to survive fire, storms, and bears. Nothing prepares you for a tentmate weaponizing beans at 2 a.m.

Wilderness Survival, First Aid, Fire Building, hiking challenges that push you to your physical limit. You’ve trained for them all. You’ve mastered the skills of human endurance.

But nothing, nothing, prepares you for the roughest nights of any camping experience. I’m speaking of the time you discover your tent mate and best friend is a nocturnal human gas bag.

Forget camp lore serial killers stalking the woods at midnight. Forget heard but unseen beasts ripping open your food box in the dark Forget scorpions crawling in your boots to keep warm. The real danger in the wilderness is the fact that your tent mate farts up a storm more lethal than a tornado in Kansas.

Welcome to Tent Fartageddon. In the interest in public service we’ve developed 5 steps, in order from DefCon 5 down to Defcon 1, to get you through the night when there’s nowhere else to go.

Good luck.

1. Mouth-Breathing is Safer… Until You Taste It

When you’re at this stage, you’re at a relatively safe Defcon 5.
Your snoozing tent mate sent out his first volley. You laugh and shrug it off. After all, if you are on the trail you’re eating mostly beans, dried fruit and vegetables. If your at summer camp, it was probably Mystery Meat Monday.

No biggie, one tear gas attack does not ruin the night. You switch to mouth-breather mode until the attack passes. In theory, bypassing the nose means avoiding the stench. But in reality, mouth-breathing means you get the flavor. Yes, you can taste the fart. Congratulations, you’ve unlocked a sensory experience exclusive to scout camps and high school wrestling rooms.

This is getting serious. The attacks are continuing. Time to move to Defcon 4.

2. The Pillow Gas Mask

At this stage, Defcon 4, the attacks are now regular and increasing in power. the threat level is increasing. Keep Calm and Carry On. But near desperate times call for near desperate measures. Shove your pillow over your face and pray the feathers filter out the lunch time salami rolls. Yes, you risk Suffocation. But it’s a kinder fate than inhaling what’s currently brewing.

Only use this method if you know the end is insight. Realistically, the pillow will have a hard time staying put. It will eventually fall of, exposing you to the FALLOUT level of air borne attack particles.

It’s time to go on offense. Time to move to Defcon 3.

3. The Dutch Oven Seal Up

He’s your buddy, but it’s time to go on the offensive and stop the attacks as they leave the fort. Arm yourself with duct tape, paracord, and bungee cords. You have the advantage because if he’s sleeping though this, nothing will wake him up. AS he lays there in his cobble induced coma, seal his sleeping bag shut like you’re crating up radioactive waste. Seal that sleeping bag like to was Chernobyl. Leave his head exposed and keep it loose enough to breathe. But you’ve sealed the vault closed. If you’re really daring, and he’s a heavy sleeper take all the clothes from his pack and stuff it down the bag around his ass. This gives an added line of defense and filters before it seeps through the bag.

Sure, it’s cruel, but it’s also the only Geneva-convention-approved revenge for what he’s done to you.

If this doesn’t work, it’s time to retreat. Defcon 2 is coming and it’s time to prepare for a long brutal night of the worst.

4. The Fortress of Solitude

When all else fails, you need to retreat into the safety of your own bunker. Pile everything you can find around your head, backpacks, pillows, towels, spare clothes, even the patrol flag. You’re not just hiding; you’re building a Game of Thrones wall to keep out the endlessly advancing army of walker gas laying siege on your nostrils. Sure, you’ll suffocate under 40 pounds of gear, but at least you’ll die a hero guarding your lungs.

If the Fortress fails, it’s time to move on to Defcon 1. Accept your fate and surrender.

5. The Exposed Head Maneuver

At this point you accept your fate. Your best buddy and tent mate overpowered you. It’s time for unconditional surrender. You unzip the flap, stick your head outside, and sleep half-in, half-out. You pray for the best. You pay no bears or coyotes mistake your head for a dropped ham. You pray no spiders or ticks use your warm scalp as a next to get through the cold night. You hope the legend of the summer camp serial killer is bullshit. Sure, the mosquitoes feast on your face and you wake up with pine needles in your hair, but fresh air is worth the humiliation. Better bug bites than butt gas.

The Morning After

Morning comes. You will crawl out of your tent as a shell-shocked veteran of a silent but deadly war. Your eyes are bloodshot, your face pale, and your clothes smell of a unique blend of body odor and regret. You will see your tentmate, and they will be smiling, utterly unaware of the hell they put you through. You will stand tall, look them in the eye, and know that you survived. You are a survivor. Now go get some breakfast.

Someday, you’ll forget the names of your patrol leaders, the dates of your campouts, and even how many merit badges you earned. But you will never forget Tent Fartageddon. The good news? Misery makes legends. Survive it, and you’ll have a story that lasts longer than the smell.